


cause we're lovers, and that is a fact

by dinglesugdendinglesugden



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: 80's AU, Emmerdale Big Bang Round 2, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Smut, alcohol mention, sorry in advance, there is a death yes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 03:55:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15964172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinglesugdendinglesugden/pseuds/dinglesugdendinglesugden
Summary: The 1980's- a time of music, love and pride. Robert and Aaron have to hide their relationship, but will something tear them apart?





	1. i just called to say i love you and i mean it from the bottom of my heart

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a long time in the making- but finally we're here! welcome to big bang 2018. this fic has taken over my life for the past few months, and i've been through a lot of tears and drama and now it's ready to be released into the world. the AMAZING art for this fic has been done by @inloveamateursatbest which you can find here: http://inloveamateursatbest.tumblr.com/post/177981905986/emmerdale-big-bang-cause-were-lovers-and-that and http://inloveamateursatbest.tumblr.com/post/177981942291/emmerdale-big-bang-cause-were-lovers-and-that

**London, 1984  **

Smoke swirled around his head, the strong scent of the cigarette causing Aaron to have a slight headache. But he didn’t care. He just looked out of the window at the capitals nightlife, the people below him freely kissing, not having to worry about the police. Not having to worry about their next move. It was the early hours of the morning, the sun starting to rise over the city skyline, and people were just coming home from a night out, heels in their hands and shirts half hanging off. Boxers tight around his waist and topless, Aaron breathed out deeply, a chesty cough coming out with it, phlegm getting stuck in his throat.

Robert was in bed, equally as naked as Aaron, but with a thin quilt covering him up. His hair was stuck in place with hairspray and gel, not budging through a night out and two rounds of sex. Aaron looked over at him, eyes adjusting to the darkness of the room.

“Will we ever be like that?” Aaron asks, voice low, stubbing out the cigarette end on the windowsill. “Being able to kiss on the streets.”

Robert shrugged his head, eyes trailing Aaron’s exposed chest. “Not with the way Thatcher’s going.” He sighed. “One day. Maybe.”

Aaron walked over to the bed now, climbing in and cuddling onto Robert’s arm. “And we’ll have a happy life?” He asks, eyes fluttering closed, finally tired out.

Kissing the top of his head, Robert breathed out gently through his nose, watching as Aaron’s hair fluttered in the artificial breeze. “The happiest. We’ll get married, move away if we have to. Have a couple of kids- Rose and Joey. And we’ll be normal. No more being afraid, no more running. Everything will be perfect, I promise.”

As much as Robert wanted it to happen, the idea of marrying Aaron was ludicrous. They couldn’t even freely kiss in public. Aaron still, at the age of twenty, couldn’t legally say he was gay, they couldn’t even legally have sex in Robert’s flat. Every right that other people their age had, was stripped because of their sexuality. Marriage was a long way away, but Robert was willing to wait for it as long as he had Aaron by his side.

Robert lifted his arm over Aaron, pulling him in closer, desperately not wanting to let go. They’d been together for two years now, since Aaron turned eighteen and Robert was twenty, neither of them legal to openly admit their sexualities. Robert had already been arrested, before he and Aaron met, but he’d told Aaron the stories of how the doctors tried to reverse his sexuality, how they forced him to say he only liked girls, not boys. Aaron supposed Robert was one of the lucky ones. He’d got out of prison. Other people didn’t get that luxury. He was bisexual. He had a chance of meeting a woman and settling down with her. Yet all he wanted was Aaron. Aaron couldn’t help but feel he ruined Robert’s chances of a happy life.

(Robert refused to look elsewhere. He only wanted Aaron. He was happy with Aaron.)

 

* * *

 

 

They’d been out in Heaven all night, under the bright flashing lights and the heavy beat of Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s ‘Two Tribes’ pulsating around them as the dance floor felt a rush of bodies getting closer and closer together. It was here that people didn’t care about the outside world. The doors closed and it was like they were all in their personal bubble, dancing and singing and drinking and  _having fun._  The world may have hated them, but inside these walls, nobody could harm them.

It started with whispers, rumours of the police waiting outside, waiting to catch people in the act. Bodies pressed together as the tension rose and rose, Aaron almost hiding away for fear of the police raiding the place, finding him in there, underage. He didn’t want to go to prison, he’d heard the horror stories from his own boyfriend. All he wanted to do was enjoy a night out, dancing and drinking, just like everyone else in the world was allowed to do.

“It’ll be alright.” Robert tried to calm Aaron’s overactive mind, stroking his arm. “If the police are outside, they can’t get us while we’re in here.”

Aaron looked up at him, nodding, even though his mind was running riot, his brain telling him that this would be the night he got arrested. “Can we leave?”

“Eventually.” Robert confirmed, leaning forward and kissing Aaron’s cheek, resting his open mouth against his boyfriend’s jaw, feeling his face heat up. “Wait it out, they’ll get bored long before the sun comes up.”

A cheer came from near the DJ booth as the new Bronski Beat song came on, people rushing to grab their partners for a dance. Aaron’s hands flew up to Robert’s shoulders, pulling their bodies together, and Robert knew he wanted a dance. Robert left his beer on the bar, smirking as he almost pushed Aaron towards the swarm of people, their lips attaching as Aaron wrapped his arms around Robert’s shoulders, fingers tangling in the back of his blond hair, whilst Robert’s hands rested on Aaron’s waist, fingers ever so slightly dipping into the waistband of his jeans.

Robert pulled back, his face still close to Aaron’s as he sang along to the chorus of ‘Smalltown Boy’, their hips swaying in time to the music, Aaron’s fears of the outside now long gone in this very moment. “You’re a dick.” Aaron laughed at his boyfriend, as Robert held onto him, both of them dancing around without a care in the world.

“A dick you love.” Robert responded, raising an eyebrow.

Aaron pressed his lips to Robert’s neck, his shirt already half unbuttoned because of the heat. “Yeah, a dick I love.” He sighed, body visibly relaxing into Robert’s.

At some point between then and two in the morning, the police had decided to leave their spots outside the nightclub, no arrests made and Aaron felt happy enough to make an attempt to get back to Robert’s flat.

But not before Robert pushed him against a brick wall, hiding out of the way of the light beaming over them from the street lamps and the almost full moon in the darkened sky. “One day we’ll be able to kiss in front of everyone.” He whispered, kissing Aaron’s lips quickly, the fear of someone seeing them still evident even in his drunken state.

 

Being who they are, being open wasn’t an option. Not if they wanted to see the light of day for the next few years. Still, that didn’t stop them from going to different places together, doing things together. They just weren’t allowed to kiss or hug, show any affection to each other. Robert didn’t care particularly, he was legal at the age of twenty two, but Aaron was a year away from being legal, and if they got caught out, the police would go down harder on Aaron, and neither of them were certain if he’d survive that.

 

* * *

 

Aaron’s favourite place for breakfast was the local café, a ten minute walk away from Robert’s flat, and it had become a regular haunt for Aaron, always going in there for a cup of tea before work, or even on the weekends while he was nursing a hangover. Sometimes, like this morning, Robert went along with him, fancying a bite to eat that he didn’t have to make.

(Aaron would complain if the food wasn’t to standard, not realising that Robert wasn’t actually his personal chef.)

“Morning boys!” Janet shouted over to them as she saw them walking in.

Janet was a nice lady, late fourties and Robert liked to liken her to his mum. She treated the two of them like her own sons, defending them if anything was said, and banning the people who treated them awfully. She also owned Aaron’s favourite café, so that was a bonus in his books.

“The usual?” She asked, getting ready to inform whoever it was that was cooking in the kitchen today.

Aaron nodded over, taking a seat in the corner, fingers trailing the yellow patterns on the table cloth, wiping the sugar that had fallen onto it, brushing them off onto the floor. Robert sat opposite him, the chair squeaking as he sat down, causing Aaron to breath out a laugh, shutting up almost instantly when Robert sent him a playful death glare.

“You alright, after last night?” Robert asked in all seriousness, knowing how scary it is himself, to have to look over his shoulder at all times, terrified that the police are there and ready to arrest him.

Aaron nodded, pulling a tight smile across his face, and Robert knew he was faking it, but he couldn’t exactly hold Aaron’s hand right at this moment in time. Not whilst people were there.

“It will get better.” Robert was adamant about that, even if, deep down, he wasn’t a hundred per cent certain. “The police, they’ve gotten smaller recently. Weaker. Like they aren’t focusing on us as much, y’know? I reckon they’ve fucked off elsewhere.”

Aaron looked up, just as Janet was carrying two cups of tea over to them. She placed them down and the boys thanked her, her response being “The food will be out in a few.”

Robert took a sip, before putting a touch more sugar in and stirring it, passing the sugar and spoon over to his boyfriend, who spoke. “Where’ve they gone then?”

Robert shrugged slightly. “Well I can’t be certain, but someone comes into the bookshop the other day, speaks to Jack, y’know?” Aaron knew all about Jack, a young lad from the Oxford area, bought the bookshop and hired Robert to work for him. It makes money, enough for Robert to have his own flat. Aaron also knows that Jack is gay, they went out to a few bars together when Aaron came of age, the three of them sticking together. “And well, he was talking about this mining strike that’s been going on and says that the police are laying into them lot now, just like they did to us.”

“So I suppose when the strikes over, we’ll have to worry about them coming back and turning on us?” Aaron almost joked, trying to make light of the situation, even if it wasn’t funny.

“Well this guy reckons it isn’t going to be a quick thing.” Robert said. “It’s only just started, according to him. And I was thinking, that if it carries on over New Years and into January then-”

“Then I’m free.” Aaron interrupted.

Then he would be twenty one and legal. Legal to shout from the rooftops his sexuality. Legal to be seen as gay in the eyes of the community, those closest to him, those who had that thing in common with him, yet didn’t accept it because he was yet a ‘minor’. Free- as much as he could be.

Not yet legal to have the rights that straight people have, but Aaron just couldn’t wait to have just a little bit more freedom.

Janet came out with the food for them, two full English’s, Robert’s without mushrooms, Aaron’s with extra brown sauce, and a side of toast with butter and jam. It was just in time really, because their stomachs rumbled the second it was placed down in front of them, both of them eyeing their plates up after not eating for the most part of the day before, and being hungover beyond belief at this current state of time.

Robert chuckled halfway through their meal, causing Aaron to put his fork down and raise an eyebrow, questioning. “I just remembered last night. You and your love for Bronski Beat.”

Aaron snorted back a laugh, before quickly looking around to see if anyone was startled by him. “Jealous?” He joked.

“Nope.” Robert answered, sitting back and smirking, drinking the last of his tea. “Fancy Jimmy Somerville myself if I’m honest with you.”

Aaron rolled his eyes, knowing that Robert was teasing him, after he had caught Aaron staring a poster of the band a few weeks back, when a couple of them had gone out to the record shop.

“You’ve er, got something..” Robert started, looking at Aaron and rubbing his finger next to the right side of his mouth. “Just there.”

Aaron raised his hand, trying to wipe his mouth clean of whatever it was, but failing, touching the wrong side of his lips.

“Here.” Robert leaned over the table, pressing his thumb to Aaron’s lips and swiping, picking it up and putting it to his own mouth, unashamed. “Jam. Nice.”

Chuckling and in a Robert-like trance, he wiped his mouth once again with a napkin, not noticing the woman who had stood up, grabbing what Aaron supposed to be her sons hand, and marched over to their table, more than likely not wanting to get to close on purpose. “You people should be disgusted with yourselves.” She spat, carefully keeping her voice low, as to not disrupt anyone else’s breakfast.

Aaron almost shut down, his smile fading instantly at the strangers words.  _Disgust. People out there actually thought Aaron was disgusting._

Robert looked at Aaron and knew he wasn’t going to speak. He couldn’t. He hadn’t been in this position before, not face to face with a homophobe. Robert tried to brush it off, joking, “Why? The food here is fantastic love.”

The woman scoffed, her hands tightening around her sons small frame, he couldn’t have been any older than seven or eight. “Don’t call me ‘love’, batty boys.”

Aaron’s fists balled up under the desks, getting ready to lash out, but he knew he couldn’t. Not that he would hit a woman anyway, but he just could not risk getting arrested, because then everything would come out, in a manner of speaking, and he’d be sent to prison for being a homosexual.

“Well I like girls as well.” Robert spoke again, his voice undeterred by the woman’s homophobic language. “But not you, eh?”

“No girl in their right mind will go near a faggot like you.”

Robert shrugged. “Maybe not. Not that it bothers me much, considering I’m happily in love with my boyfriend.”

The woman, clearly enraged, slammed her money on the desk in front of Janet, told her that she would never be coming back here again, and with one final look at Aaron and Robert, stormed out of the door and into the street, all whilst dragging her son around from his limb.

Janet rolled her eyes, putting the noisy money into the till before looking over at Aaron and Robert. “Everything okay boys?” She asked, knowing full well that they would be knocked back by things like that, even if they didn’t admit to it.

Aaron just smiled over, nodding his head to tell her that ‘ _yeah, I’m okay’_ despite both Robert and Janet knowing him well enough to know that he wasn’t okay at all, because his smile didn’t reach his eyes and his posture was slumped more than usual.

“Oi.” Robert said, waiting for Aaron to look at him. When he eventually did, Robert spoke again. “That’s just one idiot, not everyone is like that.”

Aaron knew and understood that Robert was just trying to be comforting, but that woman had really knocked his already weakened confidence. “Except its not just one person is it?” He said, voice low and deep and not bubbly like Robert was used to, not like Robert loved. “It’s pretty much everyone and it’s constant. We can’t be open about the fact we love each other, yet they can. How is that fair?”

And that- that hit Robert hard.

“It isn’t. It isn’t fair. But I promise you. I promise you, that one day, and it might be decades from now, but one day, we will be accepted and we will be able to do everything that others can do now.” Robert spoke softly, even though nobody else was in the café with them, apart from Janet.

Biting his lip, probably to stop the tears from threatening to fall, Aaron looked at Robert and just nodded, worrying that his voice would crack if he even so much as attempted to talk.


	2. it took time to understand him. i know him so well

** 1985 **

 

The sun was up and streaming through the cracks in the curtains way before Robert and Aaron even had to make a move. Winter was well and truly here in the capital city, and the warm sun contrasted the bitterness of the wind and snow. A new year had started just days before, and it was officially the middle of the eighties. It seemed a lifetime away, but a new millennium was only fifteen years away, and people silently hoped and prayed that by that point, the world would be a completely new and improved place.

Robert was wrapped around Aaron, bare skin pressed against the other, Aaron’s body creating al the heat they needed. Robert woke up first, with nothing to block the sun against his face, a strip of the yellow glow lighting up the bed right in his personal space, causing his closed eyelids to leave him seeing glows of yellow and orange despite being in a slumber. It might be winter, but sun in your eyes was always a sure-fire way to wake up. Plus, it was Aaron’s birthday.

Twenty-one.

Legal.

A cupcake was downstairs in the small kitchen, hidden away in a plain box, Robert hoping that Aaron didn’t find it the day before. He crept out of bed, careful not to make a sound, and walked downstairs in just his boxers, shivering at the bitter coldness of the floor after every single step taken.

Upstairs, Aaron rolled over in his sleep, stretching his arms and legs out, hearing a crack and feeling as his body suddenly stopped aching. “Robert,” He moaned out, not feeling his boyfriend in the bed with him, not willing to open his eyes yet. He knew it was too early to be waking up and if he opened his eyes, he’d be awake for the rest of the day.

Robert was stood two steps from the landing when he heard Aaron call out his name, and without even thinking about it, a smile grew on his face, realising that he was the first person Aaron thought about in the morning. He walked in slowly, hand hovering in front of the wax candle, praying the flame didn’t die out.  “Happy birthday.” He said, huge grin on his face as he kneeled on the bed, Aaron laying on his back and looking up to Robert now.

Aaron leaned up, blew out his candle with one soft blow, and thanked Robert, who leaned down and met Aaron halfway, kissing him gently, both mouths open, lips dry, but perfect all the same.

Reaching out, Aaron took the cupcake from Robert’s grip, moving it and putting it down on the bedside table, which was probably unsanitary with the amount of things they piled on there every day. But today was different. It was his birthday- and he was going to have fun.

Robert grinned as he pressed his lips to Aaron’s, biting down and trying to gain control over Aaron. He allowed it, and soon after, Robert was straddling Aaron’s waist, pushing the birthday by down into the bed. Aaron moaned under the weight of Robert, travelling hands pushing Robert’s boxers down, releasing his half hard cock into the cold air, Robert hissing at the sudden release of pressure.

“Fuck,” he groaned, head tilting back in pleasure, leaving his throat well and truly exposed for Aaron to attack with his lips and teeth. “Just there, fuck, feels so good.”

Aaron took that as initiative and swiped his tongue over a sensitive part of Robert’s neck, grinning when he heard Robert huff out a soft moan, a pant almost. This was just maximised by the guttural noise Robert made as Aaron pulled away, leaving his skin with a sheen, and Robert with a sense of lust and thirst for more.

Robert pushed his hips up and down Aaron’s thigh, sweat forming above his brow, the foreplay all too much for him. Much to his delight, Aaron reached down and caressed Robert’s cock, thumb running over the head of it, wrist flicking in a delicate rhythm. Aaron managed to shuffle his own boxers down, exposing his own cock whilst Robert stayed above him, moaning and writhing away, kicking the bed sheets to the foot of the bed, even if it was probably in the minuses outside. Robert grinned as he felt enough energy to slide down the bed, kissing Aaron’s torso as he went down, taking his boyfriends manhood into his mouth, sucking  _up and down, and up and down._ Aaron, above Robert by this point, groaned and instinctively opened his legs wider, giving Robert more access. His hand flew to Robert’s head, fingers threading through his shower soft hair, before clenching shut and pulling slightly, causing Robert to gag, as Aaron moaned even louder, his back arching under the immense amount of pleasure he was experiencing.

Pulling off with a pop sound, Robert leaned up and kissed Aaron’s lips, before reaching over and finding a pack of condoms that had fallen on the floor. “Come on then birthday boy,” Robert grinned, sliding the condom on himself, and shifting so he was perfectly positioned in between Aaron’s open legs. “As you’re officially legal today.”

Aaron actually laughed, before Robert pressed his tip into Aaron, and suddenly he moaned out Robert’s name, unable to keep his mouth shut. “Fuck, yes.” He groaned, Robert practically floating above him, moving  _in and out, in and out._

He could barely keep his eyes focused on Robert, pupils rolling to the back of his head as Robert pushed in deep and bottomed out in what Aaron was certain was less than a second. He could feel the pressure building up inside him as Robert slipped his way back in, leaving virtually no space to breathe between their bodies- warm, sweaty skin pressed together. Without time for warning, Aaron squirmed and moaned, his body visibly shaking as he came over Robert’s stomach, Robert following only seconds later, eyes tight shut and mouth hanging open as he released his load into his condom.

Robert rolled off of Aaron, and laid by his side, both of them breathing heavily, trying to catch their breath back.

“Good birthday so far?” Robert asked, cheeky grin on his face, too hot to move, even if it was January.

Aaron turned his face to look towards Robert, a smile on his face to match his boyfriends. “The best.” He confirmed, leaning forward and kissing Robert once again, all teeth and smiles and not perfect in the slightest, but just how they both loved it.

“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” Aaron whispered, and they both knew that the sentiment would make him shy. Neither of them were the type of people to say things like that. Sure, they’d talked a lot about their future together, and they both love each other more than they’d ever find the words to explain, but they’d seen couples, strong relationships, torn apart by the pressures of having to keep their love hidden. It was horrible, and they never wanted to be one of those couples who broke up, but secretly they both knew that anything was possible.

 

* * *

 

As far as birthdays go, Aaron had a perfect day. He’d spent the whole day with Robert, cosied up in their flat, watching as people passed by on the streets of the city, snow falling lightly, sticking to the ground, cars driving slowly to avoid crashing. He was stood in the kitchen, cotton joggers and thin shirt on, the radio playing in the background, festive songs still in circuit, Robert behind, sat on the sofa, blanket covering his body as he sketched into his book, the side of his hand becoming grey and shiny as it ran over the pencil lines he’d already drawn.

The music carried on, transitioning from Queen to Lionel Richie, and the room filled with the beginning of ‘All Night Long’. Aaron smiled as he put the plates away (Robert had told him to not, but Aaron was adamant that he wanted to do something productive with his day- Robert had already spoilt him enough). He remembered the first time he’d heard this song, blasted in Heaven as people drank and danced and sang. Just like then, Robert came up behind him, pressing their clothed bodies together, swaying from side to side, hands on Aaron’s waist, Robert’s lips against his neck. Aaron tilted his head back, letting Robert kiss his neck more, an undeniable grin pressed to his skin.

“Upstairs, now.” Robert demanded in a gruff voice. “Birthday boy.”

 

* * *

 

The autumn had come around quickly, probably almost too quickly, and soon, the hot weather of the summer had turned into the type of weather you had to wear several layers for. And avoid walking under trees, unless you wanted to be walking around with brown and orange wilted leaves in your hair all day.

Both Robert and Aaron had started working for most of their days, trying to earn more money. Unwillingly, this had started to cause friction between the two of them, because they barely spent any significant time together, seeing each other a couple of hours in the morning, or in the evening, if they were lucky. Aaron had started to spend less time at Robert’s flat, preferring to sleep at his own when he finished work at a later time, and didn’t want to be walking the streets of London in the cold of the night. It was closer, which ultimately means less dangerous.

It all came to a head in a heated row, Saturday night, the wind blowing against the windows of Aaron’s own flat. Robert had decided to turn up unannounced, knowing that Aaron had finished work an hour or so ago, and would be in his own flat by now.

Aaron was dressed in his long pyjamas, the autumn cold difficult to escape, sudden dropping change in weather and temperature playing havoc with everyone’s immune system.

Straight from hay fever season, to flu season.

“Do you just not love me anymore, is that it?” Robert asked, voice weak, almost like he didn’t really want the answer to that, fearing the worst.

Aaron stared at him, open mouthed, too shocked to even say anything for a sudden moment. “Obviously I still love you. I always will.”

Robert sniffed. “So why don’t yo-”

“Why don’t I come and spend more time with you?” Aaron asked, quickly answering himself. “Because I don’t want to walk through the city every day, late at night. We both know people are getting attacked, or arrested for doing nothing. I don’t want to put myself at more of a risk, so I’m staying here. That, and the fact I’m terrified.”

Robert’s head shot up, tears welling up in his eyes. “You’re scared of me?”

“Yeah- well, no. Not of  _you_.” Aaron spoke. “But of  _us._  We’ve been together for ages, and I was barely an adult when we met. I think it scared me how quickly I fell in love with you, and how fast we grew to have a routine. I’ve seen it happen before, and I’m scared that the same’ll happen to us- that one of us will want to move on, try something new, and we’ll break up.”

Robert didn’t really know how to handle something like this, his heart breaking there and then at Aaron’s words. Knowing that Aaron didn’t want to break up, but scared that it’ll happen. Didn’t think they were strong enough as a couple to deal with things.

“Well maybe we should end things now then.”

“Wha-“ Aaron started, shock evident on his face at Robert’s words, tears welling up in his eyes, the deep blue of them transitioning into a pale blue at the wateriness.

“You clearly don’t think we will end up lasting long term, so let’s just quit whilst we’re ahead.” Robert shrugged, stepping two paces forward, pressing his body to Aaron’s, a small space between them, a metaphor for how there had been for weeks now. “I’ll always love you.” He whispered, moving his head and kissing Aaron’s cheek softly, lingering on his skin, not wanting to let go.

And with that, Robert walked out of Aaron’s flat, and out of Aaron’s life.

As for Aaron, well, he was frozen to the spot for goodness knows how long, with a searing ache of something missing in his heart. He slowly lifted his hand to his cheek, the one Robert’s lips had touched, and gently traced his fingers over it, mentally feeling Robert’s gentle yet painful touch. A tear fell from his eyes, dripped down his cheek and landed gently at his quivering mouth, the saltiness a bitter taste to swallow.

He wished he could go back in time and not be scared about the potentiality of breaking up, because whatever he had actually imagined it would be like- the reality of it was so much worse.

He’d not only lost his boyfriend, he had lost his best friend, lost his soul mate.

 

* * *

 

It had been five weeks. Five whole weeks since Robert and Aaron had last seen each other, both of them avoiding each other, and Aaron’s friends had been encouraging him to move on.

He didn’t want to.

Yet here he was, dancing away in Benjy’s, drink in his hand, music thumping, as a rather attractive man sauntered up to him, all blue jeans and white shirt, flirtatious grin plastered on his face.

Aaron had found out that his name was Sam, just turned twenty-four, and he was newly single.

‘ _On the rebound’_ , had been his first thought. Not that he minded, considering he was in the exact same position.

And then less than two hours later, Aaron was pressed into an unfamiliar mattress, face down, arse up, as Sam slammed into him, groaning with every push in, and then attempting to take a steady breath with every single push out. Aaron used what little strength he could muster up to push himself onto his hands, angling himself on Sam’s cock, practically teaching him what he knew he liked. Suddenly Sam became vocal, and soon enough they were moaning together, Sam pulling out to come, and Aaron collapsed back on the springy mattress, sweat transferring from his forehead, to the pillow.

Sam looked up at Aaron through his long, messy hair, stupid grin on his face, showing off his pearly white teeth. As for Aaron, well he just felt dirty. Guilt eating away at him, only made worse by Sam pushing up and taking Aaron’s bottom lip between his own, kissing hard.

“I need to leave.” Aaron murmured, pulling away from Sam’s touch, a string of saliva being the only thing that attached them until it was too late, and Aaron had climbed from the bed. “This was a mistake.”

Sam looked at Aaron as he rushed getting ready, shoving one leg into his jeans, jumping up to get the other one in. “Couldn’t have been that much of a mistake, you were well up for it.”

Aaron just scrambled around for his own shirt putting it on over his head, the sweat on his skin made the fabric cling to his body, showing off his figure. “Yeah well I’m sorry for leading you on, but I really need to leave.” He said, picking up his discarded wallet, pressing it into his back pocket.

“See you around, I guess.” Sam commented, grin never leaving, sitting on his bed naked as the day he was born.

Aaron grumbled in response, walking out of the door without turning back.

 

 

* * *

 

It was inevitable really. Inevitable that they’d get back together eventually. They’d always been Aaron and Robert, Robert and Aaron. It was just a matter of time before they bumped into one another, falling back into their old habits as quick as anything, bodies pressed together, familiar lips touching and tongues intertwining.

“I love you, you know?” Robert asked, Aaron’s cheek pressed his chest, the serenity of their relationship back like it never actually went away.

“I love you too. Never stopped.” Aaron confirmed, even though his stomach was in bits, flashes of his night with Sam playing in his mind.

It’s not as though he misses it. He definitely doesn’t. Aaron just had a horrible gut feeling, like he’d been unfaithful to Robert, despite both of them being on a break. He wasn’t sure if Robert had been with anyone else, but  _he_  had been, and so he couldn’t look at Robert without feeling an overriding sense of guilt and shame.

Aaron lifted his face up from Robert’s chest, skin hot to touch, even though there was a bitter wind outside that was somehow making its way inside the walls. “I need to tell you something.”

Robert’s hand played at the nape of Aaron’s neck, fingers paving gaps in the short stubble of his hair. Aaron tilted his head back in pleasure, and Robert absent-mindedly smiled, knowing that he could still make Aaron react like that.

“Please don’t be mad.” Aaron whispered, voice low and shy. “I slept with someone else.”

The smile on Robert’s face dropped instantly, the hand on Aaron’s head stilled, not knowing how to react. He took a few breaths, recollected his thoughts, and then spoke. “When we were apart?”

Aaron nodded in confirmation.

A pause.

“Did you have feelings for him?”

“What? No Robert. I love you. I’ve only ever loved you. Reckon you’re the only person I’m ever supposed to love.” Tears filled up in Aaron’s eyes, and Robert kissed them away. He knew instantly that Aaron regretted sleeping with someone else.

They kissed once more, Aaron’s tearful breath return to normal, confirming his love to Robert with only words the two of them spoke to each other.

“I love you too.” Robert whispered, lips pressed to Aaron’s. “Always, remember that.”

“It was a stupid mistake.” Aaron sniffed, remembering that night, stomach turned over with guilt. “Stupid.”

Robert chuckled, almost bitterly that someone got to see Aaron,  _his_  Aaron, like that. “We weren’t together, please just stop stressing about it. It’s fine.”

Aaron agreed, nodding his head and flashing Robert a smile. A forced one, but a smile nonetheless.

 


	3. what is this thing that builds our dreams, yet slips away from us?

**1986  **

_There is now a danger that has become a threat to us all. It is a deadly disease and there is no known cure._

It was everywhere. Every person had seen the advertisement, every person had heard of it, heard the dangers.

The homophobia had gotten progressively worse, to the point where people were getting spat at in the street for just looking a certain way. Children being dragged away by their small arms, looking like they were about to snap in half with how quickly they were ushered away. All through fear that HIV would be passed airborne.

If the hatred and excommunication of the gay members of the public wasn’t evident before, it certainly was now.  People were banned from certain shops, and pubs, just because of their sexual identity – all because of a terrifying advert that was shown on television for weeks now – one that said the dangers of the infection had been ‘confined to small groups’, small groups meaning homosexuals, quite clearly.

 

* * *

 

Aaron had walked to his work place alone, head slung low and an ache in his bones every time he stepped.

“Aaron, you know the rules.” Lilli had shouted when he walked in, instantly sitting down on the nearest chair, catching his breath. “It’s rough out there now, you either come in with Robert, or you tell one of us and we’ll get you here.”

He rolled his eyes, having heard all this before, numerous times.

“I know, Lil.” He said, exhaling a shallow breath, shakily. “Robert had the car, I left the house without thinking of ringing you. It won’t happen again, I promise you that.”

Lilli nodded, somewhat pleased with Aaron’s response. He wasn’t just one of the employees, he was her  _friend_ , and at times like this- with the ever rising levels of animosity- friends had to stick together. She’d witnessed the homophobia first hand too often, her and her girlfriend being subjected to it on the daily basis, men spitting at them, people shouting ‘Dykes!’ at them in the streets, and not because they were being promiscuous, but because they were stood right next to each other and looked different to what an ‘ordinary’ woman would look like.

“And go to the hospital, for Gods sake.” She commanded, but with a friendly look on her face. She could see how much agony he was in with the way his face was contorted,

Aaron started to speak, “It’s proba-”

Lilli interrupted him, having heard it all before. He’d been ill for weeks now, that she knew of anyway. Struggling to breath after light activity, bones aching, throwing up a lot. Robert had joked and said that it was old age, but more and more people were becoming increasingly worried for him. “Yes, it is probably just nothing, Aaron. But please,  _please_ put our minds at rest and get an actual medical confirmation that its nothing. Pretty please.” She batted her eyelashes.

“That won’t work on me, you know that Lil.” Aaron rolled his eyes once more.

She laughed. “I should hope not, y’know. On account of you being gay and what not. Might work on  that boyfriend of yours like.”

“Try it.” He jokingly shot back at her, getting up to do some actual work.

 

* * *

 

 

Aaron had started to feel a lot better in himself, the nausea coming and going with each passing day, and he had put it down to the bad weather that they were getting. Robert wasn’t fooled, and knew his boyfriend. Knew that, even though he wasn’t throwing up all day every day like he had been doing, he was still in excruciating pain.

But still, the pair of them had been invited to a night out, and that is exactly what they planned on doing.

(Robert had told Aaron that they didn’t have to go, if Aaron was still not a hundred percent, but Aaron plastered on a brave face, smiled and told Robert to not be so silly.)

They’d walked into Subway, a men’s only gay club in Leicester Square, hand in hand, the place already thumping. Aaron’s bones ached and the overwhelming stench of cheap beer and sweat knocked him sick, yet he stayed by Robert, swaying to the music with him until-

Well until he saw Sam.

Sam. Who he had had a one night stand with, on the rebound from Robert a year ago.

Sam, who had thought he would see Aaron again for another night of fun, but hadn’t seen him at all since.

Sam, who looked gravely ill, yet had a fake smile on his face, the pink and blue lights flashing over his milky pale skin.

Sam, who was walking over to Aaron right now.

“Never thought I’d see you again.” He said, clearly drunk. He was swaying from side to side, his cheeks sunken in, bones showing all over. “Well, I did. But in different circumstances.”

Robert kissed Aaron’s cheek and went off to the bar with their friend who had invited them out, leaving Aaron and Sam to talk.

“What are you doing here?” Aaron asked, shouting over the pounding beat.

“What am _I_  doing here?” Sam echoed. “I, Aaron dearest, am enjoying my very own ‘Farewell Tour’. You see, I’m dying, and I’m out here living my life. Haven’t been home for days, as a big ‘fuck you’ to HIV.”

And just like that, Aaron whole world came caving down around him. It was like the music had just suddenly stopped, and everything become dull, things clicking in his mind.

_Break up. Sam. Sex. Ill. Advert. HIV. Dying._

“Y-you’ve got HIV?” He stuttered out, throat dry and swelling up.

Sam just nodded, finishing off his pint, tapping Aaron on the shoulder and walking out of the club. Out of Aaron’s life. Out of everyone’s life.

 

* * *

 

Barely days later, Aaron was back hunched over the sink, throwing up the remains of his breakfast into the basin. Robert gently rubbed his back and handed him a glass of water.

“Will you do as Lilli said and go to the hospital now?” Robert asked, as Aaron stood up, feeling his knees crack. “I will come with you, you know I will.”

“No!” Aaron groaned, sipping at the water. “I’ll go by myself, you just go to work. I’ll tell you everything when you get back.”

“You sure?” Robert asked, a warm inviting smile on his face.

Aaron just nodded in response and Robert bent down to kiss him. “Love you.”

“Hmm, love you too.”

And with that, Robert left. Aaron took a shaky breath, and despite trying to move to sit down, he ended up running back to the kitchen sink and throwing up once more.

 

* * *

 

“Mr. Dingle,” The doctor started to say, looking at his clipboard full of Aaron’s notes. It’d been days now since Aaron had initially gone to the hospital. They told him that they needed to take some tests and that it would be a few days before they got the results back. “I’m sorry to have to tell you that you have contracted the HIV virus. As you’ll be aware, there are no known cures, and I’m afraid that from my personal experiences over the last few weeks and months, your symptoms look like those of someone who is in the later stages of the condition.”

Aaron knew. Deep down, in his heart of hearts, he knew that this was the end. Ever since he’d heard from Sam, his illness and ache all seemed to make perfect sense to him. This was just solidifying what he already knew. It made it all the more real.

“So…I’m dying?” Aaron asked, voice weak. In the pit of his stomach, he felt a little knot, like he was going to throw up again. He didn’t know whether it was the illness- his HIV, God, it was difficult to wrap his head around that- or because of all the questions he had that he didn’t know whether he wanted answering or not.

The doctor put down his clipboard and looked at Aaron, emotion showing on his face, like he really didn’t want to tell Aaron this.

“Mr. Dingle, there are no cures. You could have anywhere between a matter of days left, or, in some cases, years. Your symptoms do look like the later stages, but that’s only in my personal and professional experiences. I’ve heard reports from America saying that HIV patients have gone on to live for years after being they told they only have weeks left.” He said, Aaron listening to every single word, even though he was struggling to not think the worst.

“In the meantime, Mr. Dingle, I suggest you try and keep fit and healthy through exercise and nutrition. It would also be extraordinary if you could contact your sexual partners to inform them of your illness.” He said, and Aaron knew he didn’t mean it critically, but that’s the way Aaron viewed it.

He scoffed, standing up from the hospital bed, going dizzy and light headed, like he would faint at any given moment. “I’ve had two sexual partners my entire life. My boyfriend and a mistake. The worst mistake of my life, if you must know, because now I’m stuck like this until the day I die. I have to go home and tell the one man I have loved more than anything for  _years_ , that not only do we face prejudice because of our sexuality, I’m going to have to leave him behind to face all of that on his own for God knows how long.”

So that’s exactly what Aaron did, as much as it pained him.

Robert knew he’d gone to the hospital to pick up his test results, and had made Aaron promise that he told him the truth, no matter how big or small the problem was, because they’d get through it together.

He knew something was wrong the minute Aaron walked through the door, forlorn look on his face. He just looked lost. Empty.

“You need to sit down.” He told Robert, voice shaky like he’d been crying. Robert supposed that if something was wrong, he probably had been crying.

“Aaron, you’re scaring me now. What’s wrong?” Robert asked, reaching out to touch Aaron, who pulled away after the slightest touch. He’d never done that before.

Aaron looked up at Robert, teardrops sticking to his eyelashes, like rain during a downpour, or snowflakes during a blizzard. “You told me you’d stick by me, no matter what.” Aaron spoke softly, sniffing his nose in an attempt to stop himself from breaking down in tears.

Robert just nodded his head, confirming everything. “Yes, Aaron. I love you, of course I’ll be there for you.”

“I’ve go- I’ve got HIV.” Aaron said.

Intaking a gasp of shock, Robert’s eyes filled with tears, distraught at the man he loved the most was going through all this pain and there was nothing that he, nor anyone else, could do anything about it. He knew that already through his friends who either had the illness, or who knew someone who had. They’d been around people for years, who, in the last weeks and months, just wasn’t there anymore.

Robert just didn’t know what to say first, a million and one questions floating about his head, but he wanted to protect Aaron, first and foremost. So that’s what he did. He lifted his arms up and wrapped them around Aaron, small body curling into the embrace, like they just wanted to stay there forever, really. “I’m sorry.” Aaron murmured, body jutting with every shaky whimper as he sobbed into Robert’s chest.

“Hey, you have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, you hear me?” Robert whispered, lips pressed to Aaron’s hair, eyes closed but tears still peaking through, dropping down his cheeks. “Babe, did they say?”

He couldn’t even finish his question, needing to know the answer but not wiling to actually ask it, wishing that this was all just a horrible, terrible dream, and that he’d wake up tomorrow with Aaron happy and healthy.

Aaron nodded under Robert’s hold. “They can’t tell.” He told Robert, still holding onto him for dear life. “The doctor told me that my symptoms are developed, so I’m probably looking at weeks left, but tried to reassure me by saying that some people in my condition have actually gone on to live for years.”

“Well, that’s something at least, isn’t it?” Aaron knew exactly what Robert was attempting to do. He did it all too often. Trying to keep positive, finding the positives in the worst of situations.

Lifting his head up, Aaron untangled himself from Robert, a sudden wave of nausea overcoming his body, but managing to suppress it by taking a deep breath. Robert’s hands came up to his face, thumbs running over his cheeks, wiping away the tear streaks that marked his face.

“I’m dying, Rob.” Aaron finally said out loud. “I’m dying, and it could be today, it could be tomorrow, or it could be next year.”

Robert kissed Aaron’s lips softly, tasting the saltiness of both their tears mingling together, meeting where their skin touched.

“We’ll get through this together. We’ll stay strong, keep you healthy, and we’ll enjoy every single second of life that we have the pleasure of spending together.” Robert told Aaron, adamant that these wishes would be followed through.

 

* * *

 

It still didn’t feel real the next morning when they woke up together, side by side, legs tangled together and fingers intertwined. They’d fallen asleep like that, exhausted from the pain and stress and amount of tears that not only Aaron cried, but Robert too. It was a peaceful sleep, somehow actually managing to dream of a life where everything was good, and they would live forever- on Aaron’s behalf anyway.

For Robert, he’d spent the night hugging Aaron, lifting their interlocked hands up to Aaron’s face, waiting to feel cold breath floating onto his skin, and breathing a sigh of relief when he did. The only thing stopping him from tossing and turning with worry all night was Aaron laying with his back to Robert’s front, both of them wrapped around each other. In the early hours of the morning, Robert had suddenly awoken with a sickening thought that he’d have to be tested too. He knew that him and Aaron had always been safe, but deep down he had a gut feeling that something could be wrong. All that was running through his head was _‘What if I die before Aaron?’_ He just didn’t want to leave Aaron alone to cope with all the pain and anguish, but needed to know for himself if he was going to die or not.

Aaron stirred in his sleep, beginning to wake up in Robert’s arms, Robert subconsciously tightening his hold on him, not wanting to let go. He opened one eye at first, wincing at the sun streaming through, and then the other, before turning to face Robert as best he could.

“Can we stay like this forever?” Aaron asked, breathing out.

He put his head on Robert’s chest, their hands still intertwined, but now resting closer to Aaron’s face.

“If that’s what you want.” Robert confirmed, a smile short lived on his face, but there nonetheless, before he kissed the top of Aaron’s head gently, curly hair tickling his nose.

It was moments before either of them spoke again, much preferring to be in a deep and comfortable silence, even though so many horrible thoughts were running through their heads.

Robert breathed out almost silently, opening his mouth to speak, before quickly shutting it again.

Aaron sensed that something was wrong, knowing Robert more than he probably knows himself. “What?” He asked, intertwined finger’s playing with Robert’s.

“Nothing, it’s fine.” Robert half heartedly confirmed, pressing his lips to Aarons head.

“Don’t start lying to me.” Aaron said, abruptly. “We always told each other that we’d be honest with each other, no matter what. That still counts now.” 

“I know, I’m sorry.” Robert told him, and Aaron knew he meant it.  He took a deep breath before speaking again. “I just- I just think we need to tell people. And I do understand that it’s completely up to you, but we have friends who have gone through this, friends who are  _still_ going through this and they told us.”

Aaron leaned up and kissed Robert gently. It was barely just a peck, both mouths open the tiniest amount, no heat to it or anything, just a press of lips. “I know. I will tell them, I promise. Just want more time with you before we start thinking about that.”

Robert smiled weakly, understanding the hidden message behind what Aaron was saying.

_He wanted to spend all the time he had left with Robert, before it all became too real._

* * *

 

It was barely three days after Aaron’s diagnosis that they told their inner circle of friends. Everybody had been so supportive, just like they assumed they would be. It was a terrifying thing for Aaron to admit, most of his friends already knowing that he’d had a one night stand after he and Robert had temporarily ended their relationship. There was a huge difference between admitting to a terrible mistake and saying that said terrible mistake has practically cost him his life.

Everyone had told Robert that it was better to be safe than sorry, and to go and get tested himself, which he had done already, Aaron by his side, holding his hand throughout it all.

He couldn’t help but feel guilt and anguish course through his body as the doctor told him that he didn’t have the HIV virus, but looked at him with complete and utter disgust on his face as he told the doctor that his partner is suffering from it and he just wanted to check.

Robert was just grateful he didn’t say anything, because he wouldn’t be responsible for his actions if he did so. Anger had been floating about him ever since Aaron had told him about his diagnosis. Anger because nobody had the miracle cure, anger because if they didn’t have an argument, Aaron wouldn’t have slept with anyone but Robert, anger because Aaron,  _his beautiful_  Aaron would die soon, and nobody knew how long they had left.

Robert just felt anger and resentment at the world, all the while, Aaron was slowly but surely getting weaker and weaker. He’d been stumbling over his own feet, falling over at work and at home. His built up body was just thin and exhausted all the time, like breathing was a complete chore for him to do. Everyone had tried to help him out, just like they had done with all their ill friends. There was no cure, but that didn’t stop people helping. They tried to keep everybody’s energy up and their spirts high, whilst trying to keep everything as normal as possible, like they weren’t at the centre of a worldwide pandemic.

“Sam’s died.” Lilli told John, who told Pat, who told Craig, who told Jess, and eventually the news came to Robert.

“As in, the one Aaron slept with?” Robert asked, throat suddenly all dry, knot in his stomach.

Eve just nodded, as the last person to know before Robert, breaking the news to him. “I’m sorry Rob.” She apologised. “I just felt like you, and Aaron, deserved to know.”

“Yeah, er, listen. Don’t tell Aaron.” He pleaded. “I want to be the one who says that to him, we don’t know how he’ll react and I’d rather be there for him then, than have someone else tell him and me not knowing about it.”

“Sure.” She said, smiling. “What does this mean, for Aaron?”

Robert just shrugged. “Nobody knows what any of this does mean. When he was diagnosed he got told his life could be over at any given time, and he’s made it this far.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Aaron asked through his coughs.

Robert had been out to the shops, the flat barren of any food and drink.

“Tell you what?” He shrugged, eyes on Aaron, checking he was fine after his coughing fit.

Aaron inwardly coughed, feeling phlegm coating his throat. “About Sam.”

Robert’s eyebrows raised and he looked like a rabbit in headlights. He knew he should’ve told Aaron by now, finding out himself hour ago. “I was going to tell you. I told Eve that I wanted to be the one to tell you. Just, when I came home to get some money, you were asleep and looked peaceful- I couldn’t wake you up to tell you that.”

“I had a right to know.” Aaron said adamantly, standing up, visibly wincing as his joints ached.

He walked over to Robert, the older man taking a couple of steps forward, just so Aaron didn’t have to walk that far. Lifting his arms up, he cuddled into Robert’s chest, ear pressed to his shirt, hearing the thump of Robert’s heart that relaxed him so much.

“I know you did, and I’m sorry for not telling you.” Robert said honestly, running his arms up and down Aaron’s back, kissing the top of his head.

Aaron took a deep breath in and out, sighing relief onto Robert’s chest, and they could both feel just how shaky it was.

“Robert.” Aaron started, voice weak and Robert struggled to hear it. “I’m scared.”

And just like that, Robert’s heart shattered to pieces.

He knew that Aaron was scared, deep down. Aaron had just grown used to hiding it. But not from Robert,  _never_  from Robert. Yes, he put a brave face on for everyone else, but spending the majority of his time with Robert, the two of them alone together, Robert could see it was all a façade with everyone else. Robert saw the ups and downs of Aaron’s life, and this was probably the lowest it had ever been, and will ever be, if the diagnosis is anything to go by.

“I know, I know.” Robert soothed, closing his eyes in a last ditch attempt to stop his tears from falling. “But you’ve got me, haven’t you? And everyone else! We’re all here for you, and we love you.”

Robert could feel his shirt getting damp and knew that Aaron was crying, so they stood there in silence as he calmed down, both of them subconsciously swaying, like it was their first dance.

 

* * *

 

They knew it would happen.

Maybe not in this way, but they knew that more and more of their friends would die as treatments continued to not be found, and the animosity grew.

What people didn’t know, however, was that Aaron would continue to live, as friends started dying just days, (and sometimes weeks, if they were lucky) after their deathly diagnosis.

It had been hard for everyone, seeing so many of their friends die, having to go to funeral after funeral, sometimes being turned away from family held funerals, not welcome because they were the reason their child or sibling had died. They’d taken it in turns to hold bedside vigils, partners constantly by their side.

It had been hard for everyone, but none more so than Aaron.

He had no idea how he was still alive, his body and his mind becoming weaker with every passing day. It’s not that he wanted to die, he very much didn’t. But the guilt he felt every single time he heard one of his close friends had died, or every single time he witnessed as they were laid to rest, was tremendous.

“You’re a fighter, that’s why.” Robert told him, when Aaron had weakly asked how he was still here. “I’m not saying that everyone else isn’t, but look at what you’ve been through in your life. You deserve to be here, with me.”

Aaron had just nodded, not willing to have this discussion really, not when it was so close to home. Not when they woke up every day to hear the news that yet someone else had died overnight. Not when Aaron himself knew that, no matter how much he’d try to deny it, Robert sighed a breath of relief every morning when he woke up before Aaron, waiting to hear his breath, or the first word he’d say that day.

They’d decided, early on in Aaron’s diagnosis that they’d tell each other what they meant to them every day, so every morning they’d cuddle in bed, despite it sometimes being too hot, and, between kisses – intimate or not – they’d whisper words of love, so that only they could hear it.

 

* * *

 

 

It was a normal day really. Robert at work, Aaron working from home, writing lists upon lists of books that they needed to be returned to store. It all happened when Robert came home to find Aaron slumped on the sofa, pencil in hand, paper crumpled on his lap, and vomit all down his body. He dropped the bag he was carrying instantly, and rang for the ambulance, knowing Aaron was still alive, seeing his chest move up and down in a rhythmic way.

Within hours, the story spread and people found out that Aaron was in hospital, still alive.

Nobody had expected it, nobody had seen it coming.

Robert couldn’t get the image out of his head, legs still like jelly and stomach turning over every time a nurse or doctor walked near Aaron on the ward, terrified of the worst possible outcome.

“He was lucky.” They said, numb smile on their faces.

All the medical professionals had admitted that they had no idea how Aaron was still alive, that he’d defied all odds and exceeded all expectations. Robert couldn’t help but feel that saying all this was a consolation prize, what with Aaron in a hospital bed, topless, so weak that Robert could see his ribs protruding through the skin. 

He feared the worst, secretly. He knew this time would come, and they’d had longer than anyone was actually expecting. But, Robert could see Aaron’s chest rise and fall, and that meant if Aaron wasn’t giving up just yet- Robert wasn’t either.

Robert had been told that he was better off going home, sorting some clothes out for Aaron to wear. He’d been at the hospital for hours, watching over Aaron, who was still yet to open his eyes and speak. Not that he wanted to leave Aaron alone, but he knew that it was probably for the best. He kissed Aaron’s forehead, hair stuck to it with dried sweat.

 “I’ll be back to see you later.” He whispered, unsure as to whether Aaron could actually hear him or not, but he thought that it would be a good idea just in case. “I love you.”

Part of his heart clenched when he didn’t hear Aaron say it straight back like he normally would, but Robert had to tell himself that Aaron was asleep, and that if he was awake, he definitely would say it back.

 

* * *

 

Robert was gone for mere hours, packing a couple of bags for him and Aaron, knowing that he wouldn’t leave him again unless absolutely necessary – and if anyone tried to drag him away he’d come back kicking and screaming. People had given their well wishes and ‘get well soon’ cards to Robert, who thanked them and explained Aaron’s current situation to them, putting the cards in one of the bags.

“He’s going, isn’t he?” Robert whimpered to Janet, who showed up at his flat, card in hand and beautiful flowers under her arm.

Janet cuddled Robert for dear life, rubbing her hands up and down his back, soothing him through his uncontrollable tears. “Your Aaron is a fighter, okay? He will decide when he wants to give up that fight, but until then, you’re going to be by his side, supporting him and loving him.”

Robert nodded into her shoulder, picking himself up and drying his eyes. He knew that Janet was right, and that he needed to get back to the hospital straight away.

“Did you brin-” He started to ask, sniffling his nose ever so slightly.

Janet proudly presented Robert with the surprise for Aaron, Robert having already asked Janet if she would do him a massive favour.

“Thank you.” He said, genuine smile on his face for what felt like days, despite it only being hours, really.

 

* * *

 

By the time Robert had gotten back onto Aaron’s ward, Aaron was sat upright, still topless and still looking weak. But at least he was awake.

Robert breathed a sigh of relief that he didn’t even know he was holding in, and walked over to Aaron, quicker than he probably ever has done before, just wanting to speak with him and check that all was as okay as it could potentially be.

“I’m back.” Robert announced, trying to keep a smile on his face but failing when he saw how sunken in Aaron’s face looked.

It was practically like he was a skeleton already.

“Woke up and you weren’t here.” Aaron complained, grumbling. “Said you’d gone home to get some things.”

Robert leaned down and kissed Aaron’s lips, all dry and cracked. Neither of them cared if anyone was watching them, knowing that life couldn’t actually get much worse than this.

He nodded in response. “Yeah. Just some clothes for the two of us. Cards and the like. Janet bought some flowers for you.”

“I must be honoured.” Aaron weakly joked, watching as Robert filled a drinking glass half full of water, arranging the orange and pink flowers in it, being extra careful so as to not tip them over. “They look beautiful, will you thank her for me?”

“You can thank her yourself, once you’re out of here.”

And there it was. Robert being relentlessly, even though the both of them knew deep down, that this would more than likely be the end.

Aaron decided to ignore Robert’s comment, and change the subject. “You mentioned cards?”

Robert nodded, zipping open a small duffle bag and passing a handful of enveloped cards over to Aaron. “I didn’t even know we knew this many people.”

“Clearly you’re well loved.” Robert told him, sitting down on the bed next to Aaron, squeezing close to him, arm wrapped over Aaron’s shoulder as he opened the cards one by one, breathlessly laughing at the anecdotes told.

“I bought these as well.” Robert said after Aaron had opened all the cards, ripped up envelopes on the end of the bed, cards opened and pride of place on the table next to him, and along the windowsill.

“What are they?” Aaron asked, as Robert leaned over to pick something out of the bag, the thing that Janet had handed over to him before.

Robert put it in Aaron’s hand and he opened the wallet up, seeing photo upon photo of he and Robert and their friends, all through the years that they had spent together. He found the film, and held it up to the light, squinting one eye and looking through the other, emotions overcoming him as he looked through them one by one.

“You got photos printed out?” Aaron whispered, throat unbearably dry.

“Thought you’d like to look at them.” Robert responded, taking the photos out of the wallet, looking at the first one. “This is pride, isn’t it?”

Aaron looked at it, picking the photo up and smiling at the memory. Someone had somehow taken a photo of Robert and Aaron sharing a kiss, not a care in the world about who would think what of them. He remembered the cheers as it happened, smiles on both their faces. Behind them were religious campaigners, who claimed that being gay was a sin, and he remembered hearing someone say they should be shown that love was beautiful, and that is exactly what prompted Robert to swing his arm around Aaron’s shoulder and press their lips together in an emotional and intense kiss.

He put it to the back of the pile, and continued to look at all the photos, memories and moments that he’d seemingly forgotten about coming back to him. One of the next photos was that of a night out, a whole group of friends, some who had sadly gone, but others who are still friends with them now, healthy and happy.

Robert rested his head on Aaron’s shoulder and huffed out a laugh through his nose. “Remember that night?”

“Course I do.” Aaron grinned, thumb running over Robert in the photo, completely at the opposite end of the group photo, about eight bodies away from Aaron. “It’s when we met.”

“You were so shy when I spoke to you.” Robert chuckled, thinking back to Aaron blushing under the lights of the club, eyes trying to focus on Robert, but breaking eye contact every so often.

Aaron smiled, pressing a lasting kiss to Robert’s head. “Yeah, well I would be, wouldn’t I? You looked amazing, and came over to me after I stared at you for hours, trying to muster up the courage to speak to you.” Aaron admitted, both of them looking at the photo, eyes scanning over everyone. “I thought you were with Ben.”

“Ben? God no. I have some taste.” Robert gasped in mock disgust.

Aaron knew that Ben and Robert had slept together before he and Aaron were together. They’d always laughed about it.

“Oh god.” Aaron laughed, finding a photo that Jack had taken of Robert and Aaron just a year ago. Robert was sat on a chair, Aaron sat on his lap, legs pulled up to the side of Robert’s body and they looked as though they were matching. Both of them had acid washed blue Levi’s on, Aaron with a black shirt and Robert with a white shirt, smiles on their faces and they’d known that they’d been caught in the middle of a laugh. Genuine happiness was on their faces, and Aaron couldn’t believe he’d never seen that photo before. He loved it.

“We spoke about our dreams there, remember?” Aaron looked at Robert, sad smile on his face, both of them knowing they wouldn’t ever be able to see that dream become a reality, not together.

“Marriage, two children, a dog.” Robert recited, having talk about their dreams so much. “Rose and Joey.”

Aaron rested his head on Robert’s and let the tears fall free.

They stayed huddled up for a moment or two, still looking through the photos and trying to cheer each other up by sharing happy and funny memories connected to each snapshot of their life together.

Robert’s brain ticked over as he thought about arranging a surprise, knowing that he would need to act fast, even though this isn’t how he imagined it happening.

 

* * *

 

Dawn broke, and with the sunrise, Robert lifted his head from where it was balanced on the bed, having to sit upright all night, whilst Aaron laid comfortably next to him, arms around Robert. He’d fallen asleep with his head crooked backwards and he could still feel the dull ache of his spinal cord as he got out of the bed to find a phone.

He explained everything to Lilli, and asked her to pass it on to everyone who was available that day. She knew exactly what she needed to do, and set off on her task, whilst Robert sat and waited for Aaron to wake up.

He did, eventually. When Lilli burst through the doors, practically dragging it off its hinges, arms and hands full with everything that Robert had asked for.

“What’s all this?” Aaron asked, opening his eyes and turning to get a drink of water to soothe his constant dry throat.

Robert jerked his head to Lilli, initiating for her to leave just for a moment. He looked out the window and saw more of their friends walking towards the room so he knew that now was his chance.

“I know this isn’t exactly how you wanted it. And we haven’t really spoke about it happening, other than in the far off future, because it can’t happen right now – at least not legally.” Robert told him, none of them breaking their eye contact. “But I love you an-”

Aaron interrupted him. “I love you too.”

Robert instantly smiled and knew there and then that this absolutely was the right decision to make.

“Will you marry me?” He asked. “As in, right now, just us lot.”

Aaron looked at him as though he’d just grown an extra head, but found himself agreeing to marry Robert, the man he loved more than anything or anyone, right now, friends as their witnesses.

“Course I will.”

Robert grinned and leaned forward to kiss Aaron, lips moving in time with one another and they both wished they could get carried away, but they really couldn’t. Not here. Not right now.

“Come on boys, you’ve got a wedding to get ready for.” Janet shouted through a slightly ajar door, stopping them from kissing instantly.

“Did you get them?” Robert asked Lilli, who waved two separate suits to him.

“I’ll help him get ready, you go do your own thing.” Lilli commanded, and passed Robert what he recognised to be his own suit that was hanging up in their wardrobe. “And look in the pockets.”

Robert kissed her cheek, and set off to find the bathroom, ready to get changed.

“Time to be made an honest man of.” Lilli smirked, helping Aaron out of the bed so he can get changed into his suit.

 

* * *

 

He was shaking. Like, actually visibly shaking as he walked back over to Aarons cordoned off room, other patients and staff alike looking at him once, and then again as he walked past them in a nice suit, cheeks flushed and soft smile on his face. He couldn’t wait to do this, to actually marry Aaron, albeit not legally, but still. It was the thought that counted, and they loved each other, so why not do it - after all, a marriage is not a piece of paper.

Aaron was still laid on his bed, this time in a matching suit, skin still a sickly yellow shade and clearly too hot, but other than that he looked amazing. Looked like the man Robert wished he could spend decades with.

Robert walked in the room, his hand instinctively falling to his pocket, where he could feel the outline of two bands, metaphorically burning a hole where they laid. He just so desperately wanted to push the silver band onto Aaron’s ring finger.

“You ready to be made a Sugden?” Robert joked, seeing Aaron light up with what little energy he had remaining.

Aaron beamed at him, coughing into a tissue, folding it over. “In your dreams, Dingle.” He laughed. “But yeah. I’m ready to marry you.”

Everyone gathered around them, beaming with joy as Robert stood to the side of Aaron, hands pressed together and fingers interlocked as they shared eye contact, taking a deep breath in as they steadied themselves to say their vows.

“I get asked a lot you know?” Robert started, not daring to take his eyes off Aaron for even a second. His thumb was running over Aaron’s hand, soothing both their nerves. “About how I knew I loved you. And I can’t specifically say a certain time, because, well I guess it was over a period of time that I knew I was beginning to fall in love with you. I do remember one time though, you were so scared about spending the night with me, back when you were only eighteen. I put the radio on, and God, we must’ve only known each other a matter of weeks. Human League’s ‘ _Don’t You Want Me’_ played, and I sang it to you.”

Aaron smiled at the memory. He never forgot that moment. He treasured it every day of his life- even more so recently.

“And the only way to shut me up was-” Robert continued.

Aaron took that as initiative to interrupt. “Was to kiss you.”

Robert nodded, proud look on his face, as he grinned at remembering what happened after that. “Needless to say it worked, until we got into the bedroom.”

Their friends who were congregated around them cheered, and Aaron was certain he heard someone wolf whistle, but his eyes were fixated on Robert, like they were the only two there.

Robert spoke up again, continuing his romantic speech as everyone else settled down. “The reason I’m telling you this, I suppose, so that you know that regardless of what happens next, that I’ve always loved you. That I’ve always wanted a life with you, growing old, having a family- doing this. Our time may be short and limited, but our love certainly isn’t, and I will never, ever forget the love I feel for you, and have felt for you every single day since we met.”

He put his hand in his trouser pocket and pulled out a silver ring, kissing the cold metal before allowing it to slip on Aaron’s warm skin, the band looking perfect on his finger, like it was destined to be there.

“Let’s see if I can beat that, eh?” Aaron laughed, grabbing a clean tissue out of the box and wiping his eyes dry of any tears.

“When I met you, you were sat at the bar in a random nightclub, early 80’s. I was barely an adult, not even legal to admit my sexuality and that terrified me a little bit. Because all of a sudden, here was this handsome guy, hair flopping all over the place, sipping on whatever posh cocktail he’d just bought- and he was staring at me. I didn’t know what to do. But somehow we ended up together, and through all the pain and anger we’ve experienced over the years, we’ve just gotten stronger and stronger. We’ve been through a lot, all of us have, and nothing we actually deserve. But we’ve gotten through it, not let it beat us. We love each other and will continue to for what I know will be the rest of my life and even beyond.” Aaron smiled, holding his hand out for Robert to give him the ring that would soon be on his finger. “I love you, Robert Sugden. Robert  _Jacob_  Sugden. I have loved you from the moment you handed me a cocktail instead of a pint. I have loved you through all the pain and pressure we’ve been under, and I promise you, I will love you for all eternity.”

Aaron took a deep breath and copied Robert, kissing the metal before sliding it onto Robert’s ring finger, admiring how good it looked there.

Robert leaned down and pressed his lips to Aaron’s, fingers curling around his cheeks and past his neck and into his hair, tugging ever so gently and tilting Aaron’s head so that his mouth opened and the kiss could deepen. Over them, rice and flakes of confetti were thrown, courtesy of Janet, and the two newlyweds grinned at each other, pulling away from the kiss for a matter of seconds, eyes not willing to open just yet as they processed what they had just done.

 

* * *

 

All their guests had gone home just hours after they got married, a couple of them secretly sneaking wine into the room to celebrate, much to Aaron’s pleasure. He’d felt as though he hadn’t touched a drop in months, and he was definitely ready to have some now. Robert had helped Aaron out of his suit, of course with some sexual remarks about how they should be celebrating their wedding night in a different place, rather than in a hospital that had an awful stench of chemicals, none of which would ever help Aaron be the man he was, or that he should be in the future.

Robert just wished that Aaron would be able to hold on for just a little while longer, praying that some genius gave him a miracle cure. He just didn’t want to believe that Aaron,  _his_  Aaron,  _his husband,_ would die soon.

He was laid in bed, just like he had been for days now. Every time Robert looked at him, Aaron only looked like he was getting worse. His skin had gone from a healthy flushed pink, to pale milky skin that looked even paler in contrast to his dark hair, to a sickly yellow that stained his entire body. This wasn’t how Robert wanted to remember Aaron – all ill and in hospital and weak.

This wasn’t Aaron.

Aaron was full of life and energy. He was the man who cracked jokes, and danced himself silly when he had enough alcohol in his system.

But now, he was in a hospital bed, each breath he took visibly hurting him, pain on his face and a wince in his voice. If Robert could, he’d swap places with Aaron in a heartbeat. Everyone knew that. He’d said it on more than one occasion.

“Today was amazing.” Aaron admitted, turning on his side to face Robert, opening his arms up so Robert could shuffle into the rather small and uncomfortable bed with him. “Thank you.”

Robert smiled at him, leaning forward to kiss his lips, all whilst Aaron’s finger and thumb twisted Robert’s wedding band around his ring finger, admiring how much it suited him. “Well you deserve it. That and I just wanted to marry you.”

Aaron grinned, and Robert swore he could see the slightest hint of pink flush on Aaron’s cheeks as he did so. “Knew there’d be a selfish reason behind it somewhere.” Aaron joked.

Lifting their joined hands, Robert kissed each of Aaron’s knuckles, showing just how much he loved him. Aaron felt his legs turn to jelly and his stomach doubling over with each touch, adoring how Robert had somehow always managed to make him feel this way.

“I love you.” Aaron told him, voice strong and unwavering.

Robert small smile quickly turned into a wide, cheesy grin taking up half his face.  _That never got old_ , he thought. “I love you too.” He responded, leaning forward and catching Aaron’s lips between his own, both of them uncontrollably smiling and giddy on love and the adrenaline of getting married. “Now get some sleep,  _husband_.”

Robert knew he was tired, could see if in his eyes even if his face painted a different story.

“Husband.” Aaron repeated, voice just above a whisper. The word felt foreign on his tongue, like he never expected to have to say it in terms of his and Robert’s relationship. He supposed that he still can’t, not legally, not that that actually mattered to them. They were husbands in each other’s eyes and to them, that was more important than a piece of paper with a few signatures on.

Aaron complied and laid down the hospital bed, closing his eyes before reaching out and pulling Robert into the bed alongside him, wanting to spent their wedding night together.

 

* * *

 

It was something past five in the morning, the sky transitioning from pitch black to a deep navy. Robert could feel heat passing through the doors of the hospital, but behind him only coldness. He moved his hand back to feel Aaron behind him, and when he did, all he could feel was the cold.

He closed his eyes and in that moment he knew. He knew that Aaron was gone. A tear dripped down onto his cheek, turning around to see Aaron laid there, all peaceful, just like he was sleeping. Just for a millisecond, Robert thought he was just a sleep, but with his chest not rising and falling in a relaxing rhythm and no soft breaths huffing from his nose, Robert knew Aaron had died.

Mere hours after getting married, whilst Robert was in his arms, Aaron had died.

Robert was pinned there, his legs heavy, like stone. His whole world just came crashing down around him and he didn’t know what to do. Throat running dry, he tried to gulp but it felt like a thousand razor blades had got stuck there, cutting into him, killing him. Robert supposed he didn’t mind. If he was dead, he’d be with Aaron again. That’s what people say, right?

He can’t even remember how, but his feet took him all the way to the nearest nurse he could find. Out the doors, passing people he’d seen before, and new people who must have only just been admitted, right to a nurse who was holding patient files.

“Aaron Dingle,” He managed to muster out, first words he’d said that day, mouth and throat dry. “He’s dead.”

And with that, he turned and walked away, passing all the patients again, and back through the door where he saw Aaron curled up under a thin white sheet, lips already turning a shade of sickly blue.

Robert walked towards him, hearing and feeling every single footstep he took, dull hits to the floor creating a din in his ears, time going slowly. He wasn’t even certain he was breathing.

He leaned down, mouth close to Aaron’s ear and whispered “I’ll always love you.” before kissing his cold cheek, Robert’s tears flowing down onto Aaron’s face momentarily.


	4. tell me that your love will never fade, that i won't see no clouds of grey

** 2018  **

“Dad, who’s this?” Rosie shouted from the living room.

Robert was in the kitchen, making himself of cup of tea as his teen twins searched through boxes upon boxes of memories. They’d gone up into the attic earlier that morning, on a quest to find some old toys that they remembered having, wanting to take them to a car boot sale for some extra money. He walked in, seeing Joseph and Rosie next to each other on the sofa, TV blasting, and looking at an old photo. At fifteen, they’d spend the majority of the time constantly falling out,  slamming doors and then eventually apologising to each other. Robert supposed that it could be worse, because today was a day where they’d actually speak to each other, and enjoy being in each other’s company.  He looked down at the photo, its content fading ever so slightly over time, the edges turned up and causing creases. He put his mug down, carefully placing it on a ‘Worlds Greatest Dad’ mat.

Rosie lifted the photo closer to Robert’s face, who instantly looked taken aback as he looked at it closely. Robert was in the photo, all blond hair and distressed denim jeans. His arms were wrapped around Aaron, cheesy grin on his face, hair all curly and wild, eyes squinting shut with the light. “That’s Aaron.” He said, innocent smile creeping onto his face as he ran his fingers over the photo. “God, that must’ve been over 30 years ago now. Well, I know it was.”

Joseph tilted his head to look up, wanting to catch a glimpse of Aaron again. “That’s who I’m named after?” He asked.

_Joseph Aaron._

Robert took a deep sigh, lifting his hand to run his fingers through Joseph’s blond hair. “Yeah. Both of you are, really.” He sat down between the two of them, with what seemed like hundreds of photos spread out in front of them on the coffee table. “You know when I was younger, not much older than the two of you, I lived in London, right?” He waited for them to respond, Rosie nodding first, followed by Joseph. “Well that was with Aaron. We were in love, and at that time it wasn’t possible for us to get married and have babies, but we thought we’d be together forever. So one day, I guess we just decided to make up what would be our ideal life. He thought of your names. Rosie, you were Rose, and Joseph was Joey. I was only young when that happened, but I fell in love with your names and I knew that if I ever had the opportunity to have kids then I would honour him. When I told your dad, before you were even born, he loved the names just as much as me and Aaron did, so he let you have those names.”

“So what happened to him?” Joseph asked, picking up some more photos that all seemed to have the same group of people in them, all seemed to have Aaron in them.

Robert smiled, memories hidden by the decades passing by all coming flooding back to his as though they never left his mind. “We got married. Not legally, obviously, because that wasn’t allowed back then. It was just us and some friends, saying our vows to each other. This was his ring.” He told them, pulling a necklace chain out from underneath his shirt. “And then, a day after we got married, he died in his sleep. I’ve told you before about what happened in the eighties, all the illness and hurt. Me and your dad never really talk about it, because so many people we know got hurt by it, and Aaron was one of those people.”

They both just nodded, accepting the fact that they might never know the fully extent of what happened, but were grateful for Robert telling them this. It was part of his history, part of their history- by default- and they enjoyed looking at all the photos and hearing the memories, but could see that it was hurting Robert to even think about it.

“God, please don’t tell me that was the fashion?” Rosie piped up, picking a photo out of Lilli.

“Do you recognise her?” Robert asked, laughing because his daughter was right _. It was hideous._

Rosie shrugged, looking more intensely at the photo, trying to decipher who it could possibly be. “Is th-is that Auntie Lilli?”

Robert just laughed as his kids practically fought over the photo of the woman they’d grown up calling their pseudo-auntie, laughing at the bright shirts and sparkly shoulder pads she had on.

“I need words with her about this, because she’d never looked so bad.” Rosie told Robert, pointing to the photo. “And I’ve seen her at five in the morning, hammered after your anniversary party.”

Joseph practically giggled, something that he’d inherited from Simon, as he remembered sneaking downstairs and seeing Lilli practically passed out on the sofa, arm dangling off as she complained of a headache.

The young boy leaned forward and pushed a couple of photos back, finding a white envelope that had browned in the corners, all creased and folded over, but it looked as though the seal had never been opened. The writing on the front was a little hard to decipher, but she could definitely read his father’s name.

“What’s this?” He asked, handing the old envelope over to Robert.

“I don’t know. I’ve never seen that before.” He answered honestly, though he swore his heart stopped beating and his brain thumped in his skull as he recognised the writing.  _To my Robert._

_To my Robert._

He smiled and ran his thumb over the ink, almost tracing the words, mind flashing back to all those memories of Aaron leaving notes for him to read, scribbled handwriting meaning Robert struggled to understand half of what was actually written, until Aaron’s handwriting got better.

“Is it from Aaron?” Joseph asked, seeing his dads reaction to it, and knowing that it clearly meant something to him.

Robert just smiled and nodded, trying his hardest to keep his tears from flowing free.

“Go and read it.” He said, pushing his dad into the kitchen. “We’ll look at these and laugh at how bad you all look.”

“Oh what did I do to deserve two loving children like you.” Robert joked, rolling his eyes and putting his arm around Joseph’s shoulders, kissing his hair.

“We ask that too.” Rosie laughed in response. “But honestly, just read it. It’s been hidden for decades, I’m sure Aaron meant for it to have been read before now.”

Robert sat down at the kitchen table, cup of tea to the side of him, letter in front of him, enticing him to open it and read. He shakily opened it thirty-two years after Aaron had passed away, probably thirty-two years after Aaron had actually written it.

_Dear Robert,_

_I don’t actually know when you’re going to read this. It could be the day after I die, weeks after, or even years. I just hope you read it more than once- and please, don’t throw it away. At the current moment I’m writing this, I’ve been diagnosed as HIV-positive for a number of weeks, and can slowly feel myself getting more and more ill. Not that I’d tell you that, but I suppose you would be able to tell, because you know me that well. We’ve been together for a long time Robert; years. And I never actually thought I would have that with anyone, as a scared little boy realising I was gay. But I was so unbelievably lucky to meet you and have the life we had together. You allowed me to see what love was, and I have felt it every single day when I look at you. My heart misses a beat whenever you tell me that you love me, so here I am, telling you that I love you, too. I have loved you from the moment I met you, secretly. I spent hours just staring at you, trying to pluck up the courage to speak to you, and when we did eventually speak, I was so shy but I promise you Robert, I was so infatuated with you already._

_Ever since that day, I have been completely, head over heels in love with you, and I know you feel the same way. You’ve definitely told me enough. I just really wish it didn’t have to end this way. This isn’t what we planned, remember? We said we’d get married, and have children, and you would even let me have a dog. This wasn’t part of the plan, and for that I am truly sorry._

_Robert, I hope you won’t ever forget about me, but I also hope that in the future, you meet a man or a woman who can love you just as much as I have loved you, and I hope you reciprocate that love. One day, I hope you will be a father, just like we said. Because I know you will be an amazing dad, and give them everything that they want, and the love that they deserve. We’ve seen too many people be hurt by their family. And if, when you’re reading this in the future, you already have a family, please do give them my love. I hope you’re all happy, because you all deserve to be._

_I will always love you Robert Sugden. You made my life worth living, and taught me how to be brave and strong every day of my life. Please just know that I fought to the end, and I never, ever wanted to leave you like this._

_Goodbye Robert, you will forever have a place in my heart. I love you._

Robert put the paper back down onto the table, blowing out a shaky breath as he let his tears roll down his face. It had been decades since he last saw Aaron, last talked to him and this letter was the last thing he’d have to remember him by.

His lasting memory.

Aaron said something about not throwing this letter away and Robert just scoffed as he re-read those words.  _How could he ever do that? How could Aaron think he’d do that?_  

The ring on a chain around his neck dangled down below him, his hand instantly coming up to touch it, his index fingertip catching the inside of it, like he was almost sliding it on. He remembered how he felt when he put the band onto Aaron’s finger, confirming their love for each other in an unholy matrimony. He also remembered how he felt, taking it off his finger not even twenty-four hours later, swapping it for the ring that Aaron had caressed onto his finger. It wasn’t supposed to be like that, but that was life.

If that didn’t happen, Robert wouldn’t have the life he had now. He wouldn’t have this home, his twins, the husband and family he has now.

The two lives couldn’t compare. They were two separate, yet somehow interlinked.

 

* * *

 

The sun beamed down on Robert’s face, the glitter that Rosie had doused his face in reflected everywhere, speckles of multi-colours lighting up the faces of other people. It was pride, and Robert has been every single year, either marching or in the crowd. In the past, he’d marched with Terry Higgins friends and family for his trust, giving it the exposure, or marched with all the friends that survived the HIV crisis, all of them holding up photos of the people they were closest to. When the twins were old enough, he and Simon took them along, carrying them half the time, but dancing along to the music all the same.

Now though, he was alone, Simon working this weekend, and the twins coming with their friends- too cool to be seen with their dad, even though they loved him dearly. He found a white marquee with people his age inside, almost hidden away from the hustle and bustle of the crowd.

“God”, he said, finally able to catch his breath. “If they were like this back in the day, there’s no way the police would have been able to get to us.”

The people inside just laughed at him, clearly understanding what he meant. One man stood up, all greying hair and a rainbow flag tight tightly around his neck. “Les.” He said, introducing himself.

“Robert.” He said, holding his hand out and shaking Les’. “So what’s this tent for?”

He looked around, but couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary that would tell him what group these people were.

“AIDS crisis. Everyone here was affected in some way or another.” Les explained.

And that, Robert feels, was just like coming home.

“Well I guess you could say I belong here then.” Robert commented absentmindedly, picking up a miniature bisexual flag and waving it slightly. “My boyfriend at the time, well husband really- we illegally got married- he, er, he died in ’86.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” A blonde woman said sweetly, a shy smile across her face. “Was he diagnosed for long?”

Robert smiled at the memories, although horrible from start to finish, Robert could be proud of how strong Aaron was throughout his diagnosis. “Months. Nobody knew how he was keeping himself alive!” Robert explained. “People all around us were dying, days after being diagnosed and in some cases, people didn’t even know they were actually ill. Aaron just somehow kept fighting it.”

“How old was your Aaron?” Les asked, picking up some leaflets from a desk, looking ready to go and hand them out to people in the crowd.

Robert watched as he took two steps outside, and followed after him, the sun hitting his face once more, the cheers and the thumping music growing louder and louder. “Only twenty-two.”

Les looked at the ring on Robert’s finger. “That his?” He asked.

“No.” Robert said, lifting his left hand and rubbing his thumb over the silver band, smiling at the memory of standing in front of friends and family and confirming his love to Simon. “I got married three and a half years ago now to Simon. Our kids are here somewhere, apparently too cool to be seen with their dad now so they’ve come with a couple of their friends.”

Les chuckled, clearly knowing and understanding all about the sudden and shocking independence of teenagers. “Here, do us a favour and help hand some of these out, will you?” He asked, handing leaflets to Robert. “You’ll be surprised by the stories you hear handing them out.”

Robert just nodded, sorting the leaflets out so they were all somewhat neat in his hands, and set off walking in the opposite direction. The parade carried on, people dancing and marching about, stalls set up here, there and everywhere, teenagers and young adults probably at their first pride, constantly in awe of what they were seeing. Robert supposed it was a magical experience now, so much more than a political statement, but a celebration of love and how far they’d come. He smiled at his thoughts, knowing that he was a part of that change in history, and he was so proud of it.

“Hi, do you mind taking one of these?” He asked, time and time again, handing a single leaflet out to anyone who seemed interested.

Until he reached two young boys, probably all at their first pride, rainbow flags draped on their backs, tied around their necks. “Did you live through all this?” One of them asked, picking a leaflet from Robert’s hand, reading it.

His boyfriend (well, that’s what it looked like to Robert, with his arms around his waist and head against his shoulder) took the leaflet and read it in more detail, looking up at Robert on occasion.

“I did, yeah.” Robert confirmed. “I probably wasn’t much older than you lot and my partner at the time, Aaron, contracted HIV. So yeah, I lived through the crisis, and witnessed it happening to the people closest to me.”

“I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that must’ve been like.” The boyfriend spoke, looking up from the leaflet once more. “I mean, he winds me up most days but I don’t know what I’d do in that situation.”

Robert laughed at that, because that was just too real. He could tell that they were madly in love and that was so refreshing to see.

“I just want to say thank you.” One of the boys spoke up, offering his hand out for Robert to shake.

“What for?” Robert asked, completely confused, but shook the boys hand anyway.

The boy spoke again, shrugging his shoulders like it was nothing. “Because we’re really one of the first generations of gay people who doesn’t remember what it’s like to have to live like you all did. People seem to forget that, and it’s not nice. We all know about things like this, but we have no idea what the reality was like, and it was because of people like you who did things like this, set up campaigns and fought for our rights that we, thankfully, won’t know what that was like. It was you guys who allowed us to be free and be ourselves, you know? Get married, have kids. There’s a long way to go before all is right in the world, and everyone has those rights, but can help fight that now.”

But for Robert, that was  _everything._

“I think I speak for everyone when I say that, back then, all of this was beyond our wildest dreams.” Robert spoke, voice shaky with emotions. “If I could go back to the eighties and say ‘look, in thirty years time, we will be able to legally get married, adopt kids, have babies, HIV won’t be a death sentence’, they’d probably all laugh at me. Back then all we wanted to do was kiss in the streets without getting arrested.”

“And now it’s normal.” The boy smiled, kissing his boyfriends cheek. “All thanks to people like you.”

“Well I won’t take all the credit, but thanks.” Robert smiled, completed dumb-founded and unable to find the words to say. “I need to get on with passing these out, but have a nice day.”

Robert looked around at everything that was happening. The sun was beaming high in the sky, people laughing and having fun, dancing and singing along to the music. He smiled as he bumped into Joseph and Rosie and their friends, all of them eating chocolate from a stall and bright smiles on their faces. Couples were in the streets, holding hands, cuddling,  _kissing._ It was all Aaron wanted and more.

 Walking away, he remembered all the pain and anguish he experienced at such a young age, and was happy to know that so many people who were there today won’t ever have to experience that in their lifetime. He took in a deep breath and closed his eyes, smiling to himself, music blasting in the background

There was a life before Aaron, with Aaron, and after Aaron.

And Robert loved every second of it.


End file.
